Five Ways To Defuse Anger – 5 Cách Thực Hành Để Xoa Dịu Những Cơn Giận

    We all know that anger is not healthy, not beautiful, and that it is definitely destructive, but we get angry anyway. That is the reason why our ancients taught us “Anger and haste hinder good counsel”. The following are five (5) practical methods to relieve anger and enjoy our valuable time together. 

            In life, there are many little things that can irritate us leading to angry reactions. For example, waiting on the bus which is late, getting a flat tire on the way to work, being told a lie, etc. Often, such angry reactions destroy our happiness, our relationships, as well as our families’ well-being. It is indeed surprising that such little things can make us lose our cool and move us from a place of calm to one of upset and fury. However, whenever one explodes in anger, it is difficult to control or retract what was said and done in haste.

            Anger, as well as other emotions – (such as) joy, sadness, love, and hate – are not evil. They are necessary emotions or ‘energies in motion’ as some would call them. But if we do not control our anger, in particular, our words and our actions, these can lead us to lose our joy and peace and results in conflicts, discord, and broken relationships.

            Therefore, we would like to share five methods or strategies as precautions to keep you from exploding with anger, and to have mindfulness, which is the foundation of peace and harmony.

1. Recognize and realize your anger

            Anger, like ego, has its own anatomy and its aim is to expand and eventually explode. Anger has three stages- it may be spontaneous, it may build up, and it may explode.  At the beginning, anger usually satisfies prime conditions before an outburst. These include tension, resentment, a dislike for something, discomfort in the body, fatigue, arrogance, a complaint, etc. It then comes up spontaneously after building up for some time, and ultimately exploding if one cannot control it. Some of its warning signs include annoyance, irritation, a sense of disappointment, heavy breathing, blush, and trampling. With practice, we can recognize which stage our anger may be at.

            Thus, when you are angry, recognize it and know that you are angry. By recognizing your anger, you can reach the first stage of defusing it.  So, if you are angry, say to yourself, “I am angry”, as a way to recognize it.  Then, give your anger a scale of 1-10, just like the pain scale- one equals no pain, and ten equals the worst pain. Know when you are on that scale. If it is 5 or more, you will need to get the proper techniques to cool down or retract.

            We must be calm and brave enough to realize our feelings and our partner’s feelings. Take deep and slow breaths three times if you can. If not, at least just one very deep breath. Inhale via your nose and slowly exhale via your month. That will buy you a little time and can help you to discover your emotions. Also, it will help you to be responsive to the situation, rather than reactive. 

            Now, take another deep breath, and slowly breathe a few more times. If it is long, know it is long; if it is short, know it is short. Inhale. Exhale. Exhalation is normally longer than inhalation. Practicing mindful breathing a few times, you will realize the changes in your body’s feelings.  Listen to your thoughts without adding or diminishing inner dialogues, or at least, let them be in sedimentation. What are you thinking? Be patient, because uncomfortable feelings can arise. Observe and control your anger with self-compassion.

2.  Know that you have choices

            Through my own practice of mindfulness, I am able to recognize and be aware of how humans behave. As human beings, especially young ones, we are reactive. Whatever stimulus occurs, we tend to be reactive. When using a mindful approach, we pay attention to the moment, to what is happening inside us, and then outside in the situation.  Then, we are in a better position to respond to the situation. Not reactively, but rather responsively. 

            Know that you have many options, and choose the best one. In any circumstance, realize that you have different options to solve problems. Normally, we are often reactive immediately when a stimulus happens. However, with mindful practice, no matter what happens, keep calm—do not react, take a deep breath and then be responsive to the situation suitably. Please look at the below illustration:

            As the diagram illustrates, we react immediately when something happens, but with the practice of mindfulness, whatever occurs, we stay calm and practice awareness in that moment, and then respond to that stimulus.

            In challenging times, remind yourself, “I have a choice”. However, do not choose to resolve anything when you are angry or impatient. It will waste your time and energy when you react to such negative emotions. Such a response can also harm you and others in the moment and in the future. On the other hand, in all situations, we choose to settle on a win-win situation. All of our decisions and choices should be placed on the foundation of benefit for oneself and for others- right now and in the future.

3. Practice meditation

            Meditation is practiced worldwide today and has its roots in Buddhism. Not only do Buddhists practice meditation, but also many other religions such as Hindus.

            Meditation helps us relax. It can be soothing and calming.  According to leading researchers of Mindful Meditation in America, such as Jon Kabat-Zin, meditation helps to lower heartbeat and reduce anxiety, which in turn relieves stress. In one study, it was revealed that participating in a mindfulness-based stress-reduction program can significantly decrease stress by 24% and psychological stress by 44%. These are benefits that can be maintained within three months later.

            Kabat-Zinn (1990) takes mindfulness a step further into the Western clinical settings with the mindfulness-based stress reduction programs (MBSR).  Kabat-Zinn (1990) and Thompson and Gauntlett-Gilbert (2008) also reveal that mindfulness-based interventions enhance improvements in self-awareness and chronic illness conditions, as well as promote overall well-being.  Additionally, Martins (2012) found that the older adults who participated in MBSR acquired mindfulness abilities, such as self-compassion, presence, and attentiveness, and were affected in terms of their perceptions of their lives, aging, death, and loss.  As Gazella (2005) pointed out of MBSR and other mindfulness-based interventions, “the imaginative approaches that are being taken and researched are truly inspiring, and bode well for a more mindful and more heartful medicine and healthcare in the future” (p. 64).

            Also, when people become old, they are in equanimity and in less anger, and are easy to love and forgive. Recently, Time Magazine has reported that primary students practicing meditation get higher scores in math compared to others. Therefore, we can practice meditation with them every day for about 5 to 10 minutes if we have time.

4. Practice, pausing and reflecting

            If your anger explodes, realize it. Remind yourself that you know you are angry and that you are in the destructive mode. Take three long deep breaths. If time is not at your disposal, you just need to take one long inhale and one long exhale (again, exhalation is longer than inhalation, slowly and sturdy). Take a walk or get yourself out of that situation and atmosphere.

            We should be aware and remind ourselves that we can’t control anyone’s thoughts, emotions and actions, not even our companions or loved ones. The only one that we can have completely control over is ourselves: our own thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

            One of the living skills and practicing techniques that I used often and asked students to use with me is called the P.E.A.C.E. practice, as put forth by Dr. Amy Saltzman in Still Quiet Place – Mindfulness for Teens (2010):

P – P is for Pause. When you realize that things are difficult, pause. Stop. Do not act. Do not do anything yet.

E – E is for Exhale. Take a deep breath (in via your nose and out via your mouth). I often do this three times, but at first, students don’t have that ability, so just once is all right.

A – A is for Acknowledge, Accept, and Allow. You must acknowledge your own emotions and others’ emotions. If you are upset or angry, it is ok to say that you are upset or angry. By recognizing your anger, you have already started to defuse it. I often say to my students, “I am not happy right now; what you did is a distraction to me and to the classroom. It also seems like you are not happy either. Thus, why don’t you go outside the classroom and take a walk?”

C – is for Choose to respond with:

Compassion: for yourself and others. In order for you to have compassion for others, you must first have self-compassion. Compassion is a concept central to Buddhism, and it can be defined as the ability to bring joy and happiness to others, while reducing their frustration and suffering. We also need to turn this compassion inward towards our own selves. All transformation and happiness starts from within; we all transform and lead from the inside out. Compassion inward; compassion outward. (Like the egg if time permitted).

C is also for Clarity: being clear about what you want, what are your limits, what you are responsible for, and finally,

C also stands for Courage: the courage to speak your truth, and to hear the truth of others.

E – is for Engage.  Now we are ready to engage with the situation positively. We can create a win-win-win situation and “begin with an open-end”–which means, to enter without attachment to a specific outcome.

5.  Have a good diet and good sleeping habits

            There are four silent killer foods in our daily diet. They are salt, sugar, fat, and carbohydrates (starch). These foods contribute to over half of America’s population getting sick with one or more chronic illnesses such as asthma, fatty liver disease, dental caries (especially for children), type 2 diabetes, cancer, dementia, hepatic impairment, and cardiovascular disease that results in heart attack and stroke. Another unhealthy habit is consuming alcohol. Besides, you can become intoxicated and lose control of yourself and anything you may be in contact with. Coffee is another unhealthy consumption; if we intake too much of it, we can get insomnia and risk cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

            Research shows that coffee and strong alcohol should not be used about 2 or 3 hours before sleeping. Finally, if you eat irregularly or consume unhealthy foods for your body, it will bring illness and tragedy to you. We have to eat carefully, especially to energize in the morning. If your body is restless or uncomfortable, your mind is uncomfortable and can lead to anger. So, eating and sleeping well will help us to have a happy and healthy life, and be less aimlessly angry.